A lyrical wordsmith.

Kanye West has taken a ton of heat ever since he interrupted Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech for some MTV award.  A very ignorant Katy Perry even compared the incident to “stepping on a kitten” which we all know is ridiculous.  Kanye did what he did because he has way too much love to give…nothing more, nothing less.  You see, in his own words, he was “happy” for Taylor, and was “gonna let [her] finish” which shows pure class.  The fact that she did not finish was her own fault.  Kanye has even since issued an unnecessary apology on Jay Leno to Miss Swift.  When questioned about the incident by troll-blog.com, Kanye issued this response, tongue planted firmly in cheek.  Obviously, he’s a man who doesn’t take himself too seriously.  In fact, he loved a recent episode of South Park in which he was compared to a gay fish.  To put it simply, Kanye Omari West is simply misunderstood simply.  And before you ask, I can prove it.

Remember when Kanye famously stated that George Bush doesn’t care about black people?  That was just a bit!  Seriously, he was with noted funnyman Mike Myers!  He was just kidding.  In fact, my sources tell me that Kanye called President Bush beforehand to run the joke by him and make sure it was cool.  Bush was like, yeah bro!  That’s hilarious!  Of course, a small portion of the video was taken out of context and smeared across the internet in an attempt to raise disdain towards Kanye.  Now you know the truth.

Remember in 2007, when Kanye was bumped from performing at the MTV video music awards in favor of Britney Spears, and he famously remarked that the reason might be because his “skin’s not right?”  No you don’t.  Never happened.  Paper towels.  Neither did the Rolling Stone photo shoot where he dressed as Jesus.

I’m sure that this brief look back at the controversies surrounding Kanye West have proved eye opening.  Kanye West is clearly not a self-absorbed douchebag, and he certainly isn’t a gay fish.  Anyone who speaks to the contrary is lying to you.

So another season finale has come and gone, and with millions of squealing women acting like 4th graders + wine at a sleep over party forced to wait until next season, (which I’m sure will be completely different and more compelling than last season, and the season before that.  And that.  And that. And that.And that.Andthat) we here at Troll Blog want to do our part to hold you over until then.  So here are some random selections from entering the word “bachelorette” into Google Images.  Enjoy.

I have no idea who this is.

I'm sure these are all fine, morally upstanding young ladies

I am now uncomfortable

But how will illiterate people know she's a bride to be?

Sensing a trend...

I'm as confused as you are.

I think they have these so women will know what parts of their husband to avoid after marriage.

CONDOMS KILL MORE BABIES THAN ABORTIONS AND LEAD-BASED CHINESE TOYS COMBINED

Think about this:  An abortion, while terrible in its own right, robs the life of one future child, assuming the little bugger would have survived until birth otherwise.  This is a terrible thing, unless you take into account the millions of starving, neglected children in the world who would give anything to have just been aborted while they were a collection of rapidly-dividing cells and weren’t aware of life, death, or pain.  It seems ridiculous to take that in to account, however, since neo-conservatives tell everyone that life is precious no matter what, right before they bomb another clinic.  And they seem like trustworthy people.

All that said, condoms and birth control pills are much, much worse.  An abortion occurs after the sperm and egg have joined, meaning no other sperm could fertilize that particular egg.  Therefore, only one future human’s potential could be created and then destroyed at this point.  A condom is designed to trap and kill every sperm in a male ejaculation.  It is estimated that in each and every ejaculation, a male human person releases 200 million sperm, enough to impregnate every woman in America….twice.  Since the egg has not been fertilized at the time of ejaculation, we can conclude that the birth control device, in this case a condom, snuffed out the human potential of every single one of those 200 million sperm.  Behold the Trojan Genocide.  Anti-abortion activists like to point out that the fetus you abort may have been the next Einstein, the next Martin Luther King, Jr., The next Shaq.  While they leave out the part that the fetus may also have been the next Charles Manson, Adolf Hitler, or Michael Bay, their point rings out true.  Now think of this on a much grander scale.  Every time you use a condom, you may have killed 200 million Einsteins.  Think of all the good 200 million Einsteins could do.  It would be like this army of geniuses figuring out ways to solve all of Earth’s problems.  Maybe they could get super powers from various radioactive animals and be Super-Einsteins.  The point is, the potential is limitless.  But that can never happen, because you practice safe sex.

Working on a formula to banish condoms and solve his own grooming issues

Deciding to use birth control is a choice that people make every day, but what if someone came along and removed your sexual organs against your will?  You probably wouldn’t think that was too awesome.

NEUTER THE URGE TO NEUTER YOUR PET

Why only think about the rights of humans?  Simply because we are human?  How incredibly selfish.  The Trojan Genocide Principle applies to the animal kingdom as well.  Bob Barker used to remind us after every episode of The Price Is Right to spay or neuter our pets.  Little did he know he was robbing us of the next Lassie, the next Scooby Doo, the next Rosie O’Donnell.  The point these so called “animal lovers” want to make is that dog and cat populations are out of control, so it is justified to rob these noble animals of their ability to create life in order to avoid the pain, suffering, and starvation that the offspring of these animals would surely endure.  Who wants to see precious little kitty cats starve in an alleyway behind a pizzeria, eating only fish skeletons out of the garbage like we see documented in so many cartoons?  Who wants to see a puppy stumble off of a steep mountain pass, grabbing a slowly crumbling rock with his puppy-fingernails while willing himself to not look down at the black, gaping cavern below filled with the glint of jagged ice formations as his puppy friend runs over to grab his paw and attempt to hoist him up, only due to his puppy-friend’s  malnourishment, his grip is not tight enough, and as he slips away to his untimely death, the two puppies maintain eye contact until the darkness of the chasm separates them forever?  No one wants to see that.  Especially if it all were to happen in slow-motion.  Here’s the thing:  As shocking and emotionally charged their argument is, pro-neuter people completely ignore the fact that humans are the most overcrowded species on Earth.  Children starve, freeze, and die from swine flu every day, even in the most advanced and progressive countries.  So how come there isn’t a movement to neuter humans?  It is truly hypocrisy in its purest form, especially when you take into account that humans are pretty much hit or miss when it comes to being positive members of society, whereas cute little puppy dogs are always the very picture of good.

Pwese don't nooter my daddy!

Editor’s note:  This article will be continued at a later date.  Until then, let us know what you think!  Post a comment, or e-mail the Head Troll at headtroll@troll-blog.com.

You walk into the club and take it all in, the people, the party, the bar (which you can barely see over).  You see some girls and nod your head “yes” to yourself as the multicolored laser lights shine on the dirt under your fingernails.  Your amigo begins to talk to the back of a girl’s head, so you hit the dance floor.  You may be a small target in the middle of all of those throbbing masses of girating pelvises, but you know that once everyone sees your loco dance moves, you’re in.  So you indiscriminately pick out the 1st ass that you see, and this time, you make sure it’s a girl’s.  You press your body to hers and begin thrusting, waiving your small hands with the big black “X”s on them all around.  It’s like fishing, maybe you hit a boob, but when you do you can say it was an accident, when actually you know you just caught that D sized nipple trout you’d been hoping for.  The girl who’s ass you’re thrusting your now half-hard genitals against turns around and glances down at you when she realizes that the rigid thing shes feeling isn’t a belt buckle.  She shouts profanities at you, maybe makes a comment about how you look like a tool with that popped up shirt collar, but you don’t care.  You know that in your version of this story, you’ll say, “She totally wanted me vato!”  So you begin to get happy hands and nonchalantly grab an asscheek or two inbetween thrusts.  You’ve been arrested for this kind of behaivior before, but in America, sexual harrassment is not only tolerated but encouraged in any establishment as long as the newest Lil’ Wayne beat is reverberating in the background.  Disaster strikes as the duct-tape that was holding your left shoe together begins to peel off due to the resistance the sticky floor is providing it.  You know in your mind, and yours is the only one that matters to you, that the girl would have gladly gone into the handicapped bathroom with you if only you didn’t have a fashion problem that forced you to the back of the dance floor to attend to it.  You know you can get a girl anywhere, right?  Right????  But if this shoe falls apart you may be forced to the sidelines for the rest of the night, although it wouldn’t be your fault, and trust yourself, you’re not just making another excuse.  So as a favor to all of the girls who will be lucky enough to come into contact with you in the future, you put your head down and sulk to the bar where your amigo is talking to a different back of a girl’s head.  You say, “Let’s get out of here, Homes, the girls in here are too ugly, yah?” He agrees and you both walk out the double doors, into your 1985 orange Cutlass with two spare tires and a hole in the passengers side floorboard, and drive away as you recount all the ladies that weren’t good enough for you, anyway.
]]> http://thetrollblog.wordpress.com/2009/07/03/heres-to-you-5-foot-3-mexican-guy/feed/ 0 Head Troll http://thetrollblog.wordpress.com/2009/07/01/transformers-2-is-the-greatest-piece-of-film-ever-produced/ http://thetrollblog.wordpress.com/2009/07/01/transformers-2-is-the-greatest-piece-of-film-ever-produced/#comments Wed, 01 Jul 2009 08:38:31 +0000 Head Troll http://thetrollblog.wordpress.com/?p=80 Continue reading →]]> There is no question that Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen is one of the greatest movies of all time.  It’s The Godfather good.  It’s Citizen Kane good.  It’s Casablanca good.  Plus, way more stuff goes “KERR-PLAAAHHHH!” than in any of those movies.  Really, the only question is: was Transformers 2 produced by man?  Or, like the great pyramids of Egypt that host the movie’s most breathtaking scene, were aliens somehow involved?  Director Michael Bay has firmly planted himself among the best directors of all time, with Coppola, Spielberg, Kubrick an…..

…..I’m sorry…I can’t do this.  It appears even the Head Troll has his limits.  I mean, seriously people??  $215 million domestic so far for a movie that re-defines the term “lowest form of entertainment?”  A movie featuring robots who fart, hump things, and have testicles?  That’s how dumb we are now?  And don’t get me started on the robots that talk “street,” can’t read, and have big, goofy ears and gold teeth.  Really America????  REALLY??  Seriously, if you thought this was a good movie, if you think Michael Bay is anything but a gigantic hack, then please don’t tell me about it.  You are all making me lose any faith I still may have had in humanity.  That is all.

Seriously, everyone is this upset?  What has America done over the past 15 or so years besides make fun of, or be repulsed by, Michael Jackson?  Yeah, Thriller was really great, but, ummmm…then he sort of had a face transplant, turned white, and molested several prepubescent boys and paid their parents to keep their mouths shut.  But yeah, don’t worry about all that…Thriller was great.

Not a single person reading this can honestly say they have never laughed at a plastic surgery joke made at Michael Jackson’s expense.  Hardly anyone can say they’ve never cracked a joke themselves.  Can we just take a moment to compare former Michael to current (sort of…) Michael?

Born a black man, died a white woman

That is the same person to you?  Make all the BS excuses you want about his skin bleaching health condition or whatever he said was wrong with his nose that necessitated 32 plastic surgeries, this guy turned himself into one giant freaking punchline.  And he did it to himself.

So then, Michael opens Neverland Ranch, a mansion/amusement park which was basically a gigantic spider web that he used to attract young children he intended to molest.  Story after story after story came out about the victims, young boys that Jackson had “sleep-overs” with.  He gave them wine and pornography, touched them inappropriately, and showed them what probably would win the “Grossest Penis Ever” award.  We learned about all this from that insane interview the Indian looking dude with the British accent did…the one where Michael was climbing trees, pretending to be Peter Pan, and saying that sleeping in the same bed as 10 year old boys was completely normal.  We learned that he paid the boys’ parents to keep quiet about the molestation.  We laughed about this interview for years on late night shows, Saturday Night Live, and South Park.  We were also introduced to Bubbles the chimp, and his son via a surrogate mother who was apparently named Blanket.

Blanket had to wear a mask at all times while in public for some reason, supposedly to keep his identety secret, even though every other celebrity in the history of the world has never masked their children.  In a really funny, really genius moment, he dangled a baby over a balcony with one arm to tease reporters.  The deal with the chimp?  Not really sure.  But it couldn’t have been good.

Hilarious, Michael. Really.

The point is this, people:  Michael Jackson was an immensely talented man who also happened to be a self-mutilator, pedophile, and general freak of nature.  If you want to pretend you are so, so sad to see him go, fine.  Just remember that the Michael Jackson you are now mourning died a long, long time ago.  The person who died today was not him.  The person who died today made the world a better place by doing so.

1. SAVE WATER BY PEEING IN THE SHOWER

Did you know that each toilet flush uses 13.7 gallons of water (amount is approximate)? If you’re going to take a shower anyway, just get in there and let ‘er rip.  Even if you get urine all over you, it will just wash off immediately.  Plus, if you close your eyes, you won’t even be able to tell the difference between the urine and the water from the shower because they are about the same temperature.  Just make sure your drain is unclogged, or you may end up wading in a standing pool of water, shampoo suds, and your own liquid excrement.  By the way…ladies, there is a 99% chance every guy you know already does this.  Join the club.

2. SLASH THE TIRES OF PUBLIC BUSES.

No one uses public transportation anyway, so why bother?  You just have a giant, gas-guzzling machine with no one but a few crack-heads and prostitutes inside.  Screw them.  For every tire slashed, a polar bear gets his wings.  Or something.

3. ACT LIKE YOU GIVE A RAT’S ASS

Put on a tie-dye shirt and make a sign protesting Hummer or Boeing and walk around California impressing hipsters and liberals.  Make a slide-show featuring a song by a lesbian and win two Oscars.  Then, go home to your 16,000 square foot mansion and turn on the jacuzzi.  Pretend you aren’t a robot that runs on electricity and orphan souls.

4.  KILL A FRIEND OR NEIGHBOR

Studies have shown that if you add your energy use to your neighbor’s, then kill him/her until they have died, your combined energy use will be reduced by 50%.  Do your part.

Everyone is Twitter-ing these days.  Now, www.Troll-Blog.com is no exception.  Hopefully, we can one day invoke profane, racist comments directly from celebrities.  Won’t you join us, you bastard?